Who am I? Who have I become? [26]

So they are sending me off to the nut house.. I sorta regret telling everyone my story because I feel like that might have lead me here, and it was really my fault that I got sent here.

I am going off to a new school in the fall, and I think that I might actually try this time. Lets not get too crazy, but we will see what happens..

Is this my goodbye? [25]

Ended up sleeping on a bench tonight.. that was awesome..! While I was here, I had the chance to truly assess my life, (not to be too dramatic or anything) and I had the chance to think about what I really wanted to do. I decided that I want to leave New York and move on out West. Being a hermit might be kinda interesting.. Never having to talk to someone might be just what I need..?
So I went to Phoebe’s school and wrote her a note telling her about my plans, and that I wanted to meet her at the museum. I guess she really didn’t understand when I said that “I” was going because when she showed up, she was ready to come with me! At that moment, I began to realize how much Phoebe really cared about me. She cared enough about me, that she didn’t want me to be traveling all by my lonesome. What a good sister! When I think about the relationship that we have, and the relationship that will always be there, I end up thinking about this song:

There You’ll Be

by: Faith Hill

When I think back

On these times

And the dreams

We left behind

I'll be glad 'cause

I was blessed to get

To have you in my life

When I look back

On these days

I'll look and see your face

You were right there for me

This song just reminds me of the fact that we ARE always there for each other, even if one of us decides to run away and leave. Me and Phoebe end up hanging out for the rest of the day, and it was amazing! I got to spend some great, quality time with her before another adventure of mine, and it truly makes me happy inside.

It was Mom and Dad! [23-24]

So I was talking to Phoebe tonight when I decided to call Mr. Antolini, an old English teacher of mine that was actually kinda cool. I told him my whole situation and he invited my over for a chat. I wasn’t really expecting that, but I couldn’t stay at home tonight, unfortunately. I was actually calm, considering I had just found a place to stay that night, and it was all over when I heard the front door open! It was mom and dad! I quickly tried my best to blow away the cigarette smoke, and I jumped into Phoebe’s closet. (Probably not the best thing because I knew that my breath still smelled like cigarettes.) Mom comes in to tuck Phoebe in, and surprised the shit out of me when she didn’t seem to question the smell still lingering in the room. I decided that I needed to bolt out of that room the second Mom stepped out. I was saying goodbye to Phoebe when she said that she wanted me to have the Christmas money that she had been saving up. It actually touched me inside to know that she cared enough about me to just give up the money that she had been saving up like it was almost nothing! The only way that I could repay her at that moment was to give her my hunting hat. I told her to hold it close whenever she felt she needed me.
I made my way over to Mr Antolini’s place and saw that him and his wife had just finished with what seemed to be a dinner party of some sort. We started talking about what happened with the whole ‘failing out’ thing, and I could see that he was listening, but I could also see that he had been drinking, so I knew that only about half of what I was saying was actually going through his goddam brain. Felt like a waste, but I kept talking. I do begin to see that some of the things that he is saying are actually kinda right and I started to get uneasy. He starts to tell me that if I never really grow up, that I will become separated from the real world.

I am separated...

I'm separated by the voice,

not by chance,

but by her choice.

I'm separated torn apart,

crushed of spirit,

with a broken heart.

I am separated...

[Saint Cynosure]

If I do not grow up now I will become separated from reality and begin to grow apart from society, and who really wants that?? I am trying to listen to what Mr. Antolini is telling me, but I begin to zone out. I hadn’t been drinking or anything, like him, but I was just plain ole’ tired! He put some sheets and stuff on the couch for me to sleep, and after some talking that completely went over my head, I fell asleep.
Not much long after that, I wake up to Mr. Antolini sitting there stroking me head. He said that he was nothing, and I understand that he was drunk, but honestly, it was still pretty weird. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the first thing that came to mind. I grabbed my shit and ran out!

Home Sweet Home [21-22]

I made it home!! I had to sneak my way past the elevator attendant by telling him that I wanted to visit our neighbors across the hallway. I guess it worked because he let me right up! I made it into the apartment and saw that my parents weren’t home, and Phoebe wasn’t in her room. I did remember, however, that she likes to sleep in her brother’s room when he was away. I guess it’s so she can remember him or something, and she was indeed in his room. I started talking to her and she was all happy until she realized that I was home a couple days early. It didn’t take her long to figure out that I had gotten kicked out of another goddam school! All she kept saying was that dad was going to kill me...! She wouldn’t even listen to me when I tried to explain myself!
After a while, Phoebe decided to just hear me out. I had to tell her about how much I hated the school, and all the people in it. Phoebe responded my telling me that I didn’t like ANYTHING! This got me thinking.. For a while now, I really haven’t been enjoying myself. I haven’t even liked myself for a while. I tell her that the only thing that I truly did enjoy was the time that we spent with each other, just talking. I also tell her that I like Allie, but she gets angry because she says you can’t like anything that’s dead because they aren’t here anymore. Phoebe always knew what I was talking about, without me even having to explain myself. She was the person who talked me through the tough times, and this was another time where I needed her help. I needed someone on my side for once, and who knows, she would probably help me break it to dad that I got kicked out, again!

- HC

http://www.aolcdn.com [IMAGE]

Drunk Dial [17-20]

So I met up with Sally today at the Biltmore Hotel. We took a cab to the theater and did our ‘business’ in the back seat. The show was just how I expected it to be, the actors are so full of themselves, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I guess it didn’t really help that Sally was flirting with this other dude during the break! Overall, after even taking her to the skating rink, the date didn’t go so well. Let’s just say that it ended with me calling her a “royal pain in the ass”. Enough said..

" It was August I remember
I remember when I met her
She was perfect I remember
in her body, mind and soul

In September I remember
I remember her all over
She was perfect I remember
in her body, mind and soul "

I was once again reminded of Jane today.. let the violins play for me! It is just impossible for me to get her out of her mind, and when I think about her with other guys, I just get pissed off! Jane always ends up going out with the show-offy boys who always care what other people think about themselves. Jane always used to have to give excuses for why she was going out with them. If we were together, she wouldn’t have to give excuses to anyone... just sayin!
Later that night I met up with an old friend from Whooton School, Carl Luce. Carl was always my go-to guy for some sex-talk! Not today... Apparently he grew up, and he said I hadn’t. Go figure! He says that I should get my brain checked out and left. Alright..?
Well tonight didn’t end too well, I remember calling Sally and hearing her grandma yell at me, but the rest was pretty much a blur. Things aren’t going to well around here, and I think I am going to try and make it home to talk to Phoebe. Let’s see how this goes..

- HC

Sister Act [15-16]

Alright, so today I decided that I wanted to hook up with Sally... call me crazy, but this goddamn “being lonely” thing just isn’t for me. After checking out of that hotel I went to a sandwich shop and caught up with a pair of nuns. I always laugh when I see some nuns because it always reminds me of the Sister Act movie!:



I couldn’t believe how much the nuns cared for other people! It was like they didn’t care about themselves at all until they felt that everyone around them was cared for. I felt so bad for them that I had to contribute ten bucks to them. I don’t know where it came from, but that must have come from the piece of me inside that still cared. I always thought that money was a bad thing because people didn’t always act in the nicest manner when they wanted some money, but these nuns took the ten dollars like it was a gift from heaven and I was the messenger.
When I need a good pick me up, I can always think of my little sis, Phoebe. She is one of the only people who truly understands me when we talk. I went to the park to try and find Phoebe, but got nothing. I did, however, find someone who said they knew Phoebe. They said that she was on a trip, but than changed their mind..? They said that she was at the museum. Even though she said that Phoebe wasn’t at the museum, I went their anyways because it always brings back memories.

- HC

Where is she when I need her? [11-14]

So Jane popped back into my mind today.. I wish she was here with me today because she was always the person who was able to comfort me in my troubled times. I still remember when we met.. It was back in our summer homes in Maine. We were neighbors and were introduced by our mothers, who were actually discussing the problem that they were having with this goddam dog that always come around and shit wherever he pleased, and lucky for us, it usually ended up being on our lawn! I always stayed with Jane when she was having problems, and had a hard time dealing with her alcoholic father, and we were always comfortable around each other. I really miss holding her hand because that is when I truly was always happy.

So I took a cab today up to bust out some moves, not really, at this nightclub called Ernie’s. D.B. and I used to hit this place up fairly often. I was drinking a scotch when I recognized this girl that D.B. used to date, Lillian. I didn’t want to end up chatting with her that night, so I just left and avoided the whole situation. It was kind of the chicken way of getting out, so I decided to punish myself by walking just over 40 blocks back to my hotel room!
When I eventually got to the hotel, I was talking to the elevator attendant, and after a while he asked me if I would enjoy the company of a prostitute that he knew.. I wasn’t thinking the best of myself that night, so I decided to go for it. I made it up to my room, got decent and heard a knocking on the door. Now that Sunny, the prostitute, actually made it up to my room, I realized that she was really the last thing that I needed right now, so I ended up sending her on her way. I payed her the five bucks for her troubles and got ready for bed. Just as I finally began to drift off to sleep I hear a loud knocking at my door, I open the door to find the elevator attendant standing there. Before I could even realize what was going on, he had me pinned up against the wall and Sunny was pulling the extra money, that I apparently still owed her, out of my pocket. That was the last thing I remember from that night. I know if Jane was here with me, I wouldn’t be having these kinds of problems...

- HC

www.medicblog999.files.wordpress.com [IMAGE]

Rudolph Schmidt [7-10]

I was surfing the web the other day and came across this poem by Alan Murray:


“ I am moving on


reaching toward my hopes and dreams


It has taken me far too long


to reach this place, it seems

My fears may try to hold me back


To try and block my way


But with courage an

d faith in my heart


I will get there come what may ”

I think that this poem pretty much describes what is going through my mind these days. Now that I finally left Pencey, I feel a sense of freedom. I don’t necessarily feel accomplished, because who knows how the ol’ parents are gonna feel about this one. Pencey has taken me to where I feel like I need to be, but now it is time to move on and create my own life.
When I left Pencey that one night I just needed to scream, I might have went a little overboard when I screamed in the hallways, but I was leaving anyways so who freakin cares! I ended up walking to the train that night and was ready to spend the time collecting my thoughts, but that was all interrupted when this random lady decided to sit with me! I told her my name was Rudolph Schmidt (just to be careful), and we talked, and talked, AND TALKED, about pretty much nothing (I was tired and really wasn’t even listening to her anyways). I ended up spending the night at this hotel called the Edmont:

This hotel was goddam BEAUTIFUL! I figured I would get as much use out of my money as possible because I knew that I was going go be in a hell of a lot of trouble when I got home! I saw some.. “characters” down near the hotel. Is that normal around here..? Crazy people just running around, spitting in each others faces, dressing in costumes? I guess I will soon find out!

- HC

www.hotelsoftherichandfamous.com [IMAGE]

Friends [4-6]

Here at this school, we got buildings full of adults who think they know everything and kids who really don’t know anything at all. I have made a couple of “friends” here, and have met some others who are far from friends. This kid here, Ackley, my neighbor, is crazy. It’s like his ears aren’t connected to his brain. Every time I tell him that I am busy, he thinks it’s totally cool to just come right into the room and talk, or my favorite two things.. cut his nails and pop some zits! Another person I had the pleasure of meeting is Stradlater, my roommate. Here at school Stradlater is the popular, cool guy. He hangs out with the pretty girls, and gets the party started. ;) One girl in particular is Jane Gallagher, who is an old friend of mine. We used to play checker together when we lived near each other. I don’t think that Stradlater is the perfect guy for Jane, but I guess it will have to do. I was going to say Hi to Jane before she left on her date with Stradlater, but I couldn’t build up the courage in myself to do it. Next time I see her, I will talk to her, I promise myself I will!

So tonight was another one of those nights that ended with a great dinner.. NOT! We tried to top our dinner by going to the movies, which I don’t technically prefer. (This was a great night... yeah right!) On our way, both Mal and Ackley decide to say that they have both seen the flick, so we were out of luck and just decided to get some burgers and head back to the dorms. I had a tough time working on Stradler’s paper that night, but I squeezed some shit out of my head about a baseball glove and hoped Stradler wouldn’t mind, and it turns out, he did.

I figured I would ask him how his date went, but he was short on details. We ended up getting in a fight which ended up with a bloody nose, and lucky for me, it was my nose! He got scared that he was going to get in trouble, but honestly I didn’t really care.

- HC

www.flickr.com [IMAGE]

Welcome to the life of HC

I figured I would introduce myself before I spill my guts to ya. Hi, my name is Holden and I am a 16 year old junior who has just been... removed from my last school. My grades weren’t so hot, I mean I didn’t fail ALL my classes, but my report card wasn’t something that I would be proud to hang on the refrigerator. I didn’t try my hardest in my classes because, honestly, I really didn’t give a crap, and neither did my parents. Sad.. but true. My parents are the type of people who would rather show me off to their friends than ask my if I needed help on a project. They don’t care how I do in school, and quite frankly, neither do I!

- HC